Today is Friday, the day when Chief Staff member Nanny N has the Ninos for me while I work/slump/shop. Mainly slumping by Friday it has to be said.
An odd week this week, not least due to the fact that glorious Summery sunshine has been suddenly axed for Autumnal blusters. Glad I didn't buy another maxi dress. Of course my mate Endo has been bubbling silently this week, leaving me totally shattered (too tired even to get to yoga which seems a bit daft, but it's the honest truth.) As a result I hadn't been out and about this week as much as usual in favour of just managing to be at home and cope, which has been a tall enough order. Nanny J called in with extra Green and Black supplies on Tuesday, Wednesday I did manage a couple of laps on the bike with the child trailer, but in general it has been a sloooow week.
By Thursday when Milo was working from home I had had enough of either being in the house or seeing the same sights of the high street on my lonesome low energy wanders, and was thoroughly fed up and in pain. The usual endo pain was exaccerbated by a particularly classy and dignified back muscle wrench picking up Eva, leaving me yelping in pain and crawling around the floor trying to work out how to get up. Very yummy mummy.
M eventually managed to drag me to Cambridge yesterday afternoon where a vintage rummage on Mill Road and the most fabulous mocha and banana cake in Cafe Brasil managed to lift my spirits and my sugar level. Getting out of the house is so under rated, it does wonders for the soul.
Life as a mum continues tiptoe along the fine edge of ecstasy and drudge. I can go from sheer delight at hearing my girls talk more, move more, be more as they grow, to feeling destitute and shipwrecked in a hovel of washing up, repeatedly hoovering up crumbs and bananas and popping out to get bread and milk in the same old shops. I think many a mum must feel this. My generation were brought up in the ladette era, we can drink like the boys, be as independant as we like, and thankfully careers and opportunities were open for us thanks to our fore-mothers. It still comes as a shock then, that BA and MA in hand, interesting multi-faceted career under my belt, being a mum entails being at home, taking a wage cut, independancy cut and confidence thwack. Your body is traumatised and mutiliated doing pregnancy and childbirth, you are then so exhausted from sleepness nights you have no time to recover physically and mentally, and you suddenly find yourself manic with exhaustion wading through sterilisers and endless washing. Postnatal depression is hardly surprising eh?
I often speculate about living in london again, in my beloved Victoria Park with my bubs. I could definitely handle being a London mummy, mooching across Vicky Park to the Museum of Childhood, hanging around drinking cappuccinos and people watching. I love the area, and I am back in London at least once a week for work or seeing friends, but the fact is I just don't want my kids to go to school there...is that terrible? Also, we simply couldn't afford to live in a place large enough for a family of 4. The price we pay for a house with a huuuuuge garden in the middle of our little St Ives town is not even the price of a one bed studio flat in the Smoke. Most importantly, the Staff we have all around are just priceless in terms of support and and family for the kids as they grow up. They also keep me sane. However, I am acutely aware that a bad day is a bad day wherever you are. If I feel well I am out and about, and I have had many days feeling unwell in London, it is not a magic cure-all.
So, what's the answer? I like to see sunny St Ives as my base. I have so many amazing friends in the area, beloved family, it's a gorgeous town with a chocolate box vista, yet I love the buzz of the city. I do like the best of both worlds, and am working towards a situation where we have a base in St Ives and an office/studio/home in town as well. It's one for the future but totally possible I believe. I will always be someone with itchy feet, I love to travel and move around in homes and jobs, I have ambition and I love the fact that ambition makes life go round in a more exciting way. Managing it enough to low things down and enjoy the moment mindfully is something I am continually working on.
So, it's a Friday in my country retreat. This weekend we are back in London for Lollibops festival and to see a dear dear friend for her birthday. Best of both worlds.
Oh, and I have the most perfect children I could ever hope for. I am totally in love with them and my brilliant partner Miles. I can handle some low days and a manic household for the happiness they bring.
I am one lucky Mumma.
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