Superwoman can do one

For the last two weeks I have been struggling. Struggggggggling, I tell you - it turns out (how we laugh), that having endometriosis and associated chronic fatigue does NOT mix well with being super busy with work, attempting to have any kind of life, being with my Totally Awesome Twins and maybe uttering a sentence or two to Miles (drooling into the sofa doesn't count as conversation, I hear. Pah.)

I am so proud to have had a brilliantly profitable work pipeline recently, no mean feat as a self employed bod and a far cry from my early days of freelancing, known as the Staring at the Letterbox for the Cheque days.

BUT. Methinks some balance is required, so I am going to follow the advice of the lovely, sanguine and sage blogger and buddy of mine Katie over at Pouting in Heels. She says, (and I quote):

Midweek Mashup 5.3.2013

This last week has been the usual whirlwind at Diva towers - a  lot of fun and interesting stuff , mixed with some tricky times. But let's not focus on those ;) ❤ For starters, we went indoor wind surfing near Bedford last weekend. Sadly I couldn't take part as my endo was playing up, but the girls and I loved watching Miles and their Uncle Jamie and Auntie Lauren giving it a go. I will definitely be re-booking, hopefully after my op I will be able to go and play :) It was a FREEZING cold day so it was just as well that British Gas sent us to try the indoor surfing as I could use my Remote Heating app to make the house all nice and toasty for the surfers on our return. ❤ We went for dinner at Chiquitos last week, a lovely grown up escape at lunchtime. I love Mexican food, and rather surprisingly have never been to a Chiquitos before!  I don't eat wheat, rice or gluten and the menu was absolutely brilliant for Paleo and high raw food fans. I had fajita chicken which a huge salad and skewered prawns. Brilliant. ❤ I paid a visit to the lovely Sancturary Spa in Cambridge for a long overdue redemption of a birthday gift from my family. The Sanctuary Spa Cambridge opened a few years ago and I have always wanted to go. I can honestly say it was heaven. I went along after my hospital visit so was feeling a little shaky, and the 55 minute Hot Lava Shell Massage was absoluuuuuutely perfect. The hot shells really help tense muscles to relax, and it all really helped my pain too. I felt truly pampered, relaxed and zen like, and I can't wait to find an excuse to go back! The e Relaxtion room is available to clients who book for treatments that are at least 55 minutes, and you get to go and get snuggly in a purple blanket on a chaise longue with herbal tea. Frankly I didn't want to leave....❤ It's Mothers Day on Sunday! Oh yesssssss....I am loving these cute little reusable bubble wands from LUSH, who kindly sent me some to try. The wands are flower shaped, and you swoosh around in bath water to release the lovely natural fragrance. When the wands are all used up, the labels are embedded with wild flower seeds so little ones can enjoy a bit of planting;  you can also use the stick to help the plants grow, or I like the idea of some guerilla street planting of wild flowers. Brilliant, on budget and green, good work LUSH! ❤ I had a new hairdo! I am trying to grow my locks again so had left them for 6 months....and my hair got to the stage where it felt all dry and in dire need of sorting out. So, a mocha colour with blonde slices and a cut later and I felt like a new woman.

What have you been up to? Are you enjoying the Spring sunshine? Are you sorted for Mother's Day?



 

Big H - the post I didn't want to write

Last Thursday I decided, along with my partner and endo specialist Dr Mathur to have a full abdominal hysterectomy.

I have had enough.

17 years into this disease, I am opting to butcher my body, to have my womb, ovaries, Fallopian tubes, ovaries - the full kit and caboodle- out.

I felt sick last week. Terrified, anxious, emotional, and grieving for my inner bits, the organs which have caused me pain for so long but which also grew my beautiful babies. I had a meltdown in John Lewis and everything (classic moment). I am scared; scared of a massive open surgery operation with 2 months recovery, scared of instant menopause (castration, anyone?!) scared that I have not done enough to stop this. But, enough is enough. I have two wonderful miracle toddlers and want to play and be with them as much as I can.

So. The latest step in my Endometriosis journey is around the corner.

Why haven't I done this before? Because this is a big op, it may still not heal me and I may still be in pain. So, it's not the easy matter-of-fact choice many believe it to be.

I truly believe that in some circumstances the body can heal itself. I believe nutrition and lifestyle play a huge part in management of conditions, and I have seen massive improvements from the changes I have made . But, unless I am drinking raw juice and doing yoga daily on a beach I just don't feel I am going to get this thing nailed on my own. If, indeed, it is ever possible to do so. For me.

So, I am now awaiting the date to get the Big H..and I am working on getting myself in a place of acceptance for it.

I don't want to be writing this post for several reasons. Firstly, I dont want to be doing it and had hoped to not come to this point. Secondly, it's a very personal choice and I do not wish to be judged for it; my experience of the internet and it's corners of nastiness lately have left me rather timid with sharing personal journeys. However, I founded Project Endo to help other women and my story in it's entirety is part of that mission. I am aware that there are women out there who have not been so lucky as me with fertility, and I have two healthy girls. I am aware there are those who oppose any medical intervention in the treatment of disease. But, I say that everyone is their own boss. No one can really judge without living my life daily, and personal choices are exactly that. Personal.

If truth be told, if it were just me I would still hang on but I have been bessed with Eva and Mia and I am doing it for them. I want them to have a mum who can play most of the time, not half the time or less. I am fully aware that even this drastic butchery may not help my pain and may even throw me other curve balls, but I feel I need to do it for my girls.

I owe them a mother.

I really and truly believe in natural therapies, in holistic approaches and complementary medicine, and I am 100% sure I would be so much worse without all the measures I have put in place.
I am a champion of the patient as expert, and think that if you get to know your own body well, then you know your limits and how much you can take. I can't take much more.

I expect there to be an expectation for everything to be ok following the op, that I will be "back ot normal". Well, I haven't been normal for two decades in terms of health, so this is another step in my journey.

I am so grateful to have my girls. I am grateful for all that my organs have provided for me and I feel so sad to let them go. This is not an easy choice.

However, I used to grieved for the children I didn't think I would have, and I won't let myself grieve for anymore time lost when I have one last choice left to try.
My endo has given me education on health, nutrition, and looking after my body. It makes me appreciate the good days.

Also, there are wonderul women out there I know of who are bravely battling terminal illnesses; let's get some perspective, this is by far an easier thing to take.

So - there you have it. My Big H is on the way. Send DVD's, yoga pants and dark chocolate. And thanks for reading.

 

 

Mothers Day - classy me & a wishlist

If I tell you what we got up to last Mother's Day it may make you smile. Far from being the usual afternoon tea with daffodils and a feed-the-ducks-type day, after a family get together with my bro and his crew in St.Albans, Miles, the Mini Divas and I ended up at one of our local pubs in St.Ives where they have live music on a Sunday. It just so happened that an Irish folk band I used to play fiddle for (yes, I am a woman with many talents!) was playing; Eva and Mia LOVE seeing this band, and half of my partner's family are Irish, so cue a messy afternoon with a few glasses of Guinness. A highlight was changing the girl's nappies outside the pub on a bin, at which time we knew we had reached new levels  of class and style. We finished off the day with a curry, stayed over at the in-laws and I tottered the girls round to nursery the next day wearing yesterday's clothes and heels and sporting a hangover. Nice.

Flow and getting back to sketching

I have recently re-discovered sketching.

My iPad and Paper by 53, have re-enabled my love of sketching on the go and they are revolutionising my life. Well, just a little bit.

I have always loved to draw, and before I settled on a career in graphic design (which has now turned into a portfolio career with writing and blogging included), I always wanted to be an illustrator. Nothing actually beats making marks on paper or getting down and dirty with some paint, but there is something so easy and simple about taking out my iPad and my Bamboo Wacom stylus and  doing some sketching. I have set myself a task to make sure that I get out and about as often as I can, and just to sit even if they just half an hour, and do some mark making; I always really fill in my zone when I am drawing, or getting on with some crafting. It's also so much easier to sketch out ideas and thoughts sometimes before going all linear, and having it to hand is so nice.

Getting into a zone is one of the things where we know we are happiest; if you're in your staying you are in a flow you're being creative, and you are at one with yourself. Yet, strangely, being it is the kind of thing that we actively stop ourselves from doing with daily life. We can get so busy with everything else that needs to be done that taking that time out to be is really hard to do.

So, if I make an effort this week to sketch with my iPad, and find some time to be in my zone, could you set yourself a challenge to do the same? What floats your boat? It will be the different for everyone, be it cycling, running, painting -  even washing-up! Whatever it is, just try to take some time every day, or even one hour a week to find that creative drive and spend some time with your thoughts without all the noise of social media, work and daily tasks in the way.

Now I must go,  I have some sketching to do!

The above work of art was by Mia, who loves sketching too - apparently this is me. I look good!

Working mums - like Mumma like Minis

Meet Mia, tapping away at her Hello Kitty laptop and being "just like mummy" -  I so want on to these - and Eva getting serious on the iPants.

My girls, the lovely Mini Divas, love to play at being Mummy. I enjoy seeing see how they role play out their understanding of the world, as it acutely reflects on their understanding of me, my role as a mum, and how they view their role as a tiny, growing, female person.

More often that not I hear "I am mummy, I am blogging on the boom-cuter, then I am taking my baby to nursery , going to London and doing yoga". Oh right, that's me down pat then.

Joining #thefitcrowd

I am super excited to tell you that I have been chosen to work with one of my favourite brands, fitness wear gurus Sweaty Betty. A group of 20 bloggers, all with varied interests, ages, fitness levels and experiences are joining forces under #thefitcrowd moniker and I am thrilled to be part of the group. The aim is for us to be your connection with all things Sweaty Betty and to inspire other women to engage with fitness as part of their lives, something I believe strongly in as a chronic illness bod and mum of small people.
You may remember my Team Bangs on the Run half marathon journey, and some of my beloved Team Bangs ladies are also part of The Fit Crowd which is lovely for me to be joining forces with them again, and to meet other bloggers
on the way.
Watch this space!