The broken butterfly

 

Hello Dexterous Diva readers. You find me worn down, worn out and fragile at the moment.

As you know, I had 'flu for 10 days after a cold, then endo pain had a good stint leaving me isolated at home for a good fortnight or so. I am not good without social company and this made me feel really low.Depression came back to visit and hasn't really shifted.

I started my Zoladex treatment last Thursday, which I am really hopeful may help me, although for now I can feel it hitting me quite hard as my body adjusts to the HRT and strong medication.

Endo makes me tired, depression makes me tired, and the painkillers and antidepressants I am on all add to fatigue.I haven't been sleeping well. My brain feels like it is struggling to function, I am in a foggy mush of thoughts and inarticulated speech. My memory and recall are slushy and I don't feel like a sharp, educated being at all, more a fluffy forgetful mess. I am aware my system is not in good shape, although I am eating really well and back out for my runs which I know help my mental state, my body is tiiiiiired.

Having endo means my immune system is compromised, and when I hit the ice like this it can be really, really hard to get back up. All germs flying about seem to stick, and it feels like a constant line of illness. I hate feeling weak and like a shadow of myself.

My insides currently feel like they are on fire. I as already aware that Zoladex can amplify endo symptoms when you begin treatment so I had it on the mental backburner, but it still manages to make me feel pretty useless when I need to get mroe help with nursery pick ups and so on for the Mini Divas.

My own family can't help, so my in-laws step up and they are fabulous, but I do constantly fear that they must think I am lazy, useless, not pulling my weight as a mum. I would so dearly love to be firing on all cylinders, to not keep having to say that I am tired, to not feel as if every day is a mountain to climb. I don't want to ask for help, and it makes me feel terrible that my daily routine has to affect so many people around me.

Now I have started Zoladex, now that I am run down, tired, low and exhausted I have decided to be kind to myself.I am slowing down where I can, and I am going to make a really concerted effort to not give a damn what anyone thinks.

I apologise to my partner a million times a day, and I don't need to. He understands me, knows what I am going through, and doesn't need me to say sorry all the time. My kids don't need to hear the word sorry all the time, it's not healthy. Maybe if I can stop feeling like I am letting everyone down it would help my scarred self esteem.

My plan is to treat Autumn as if I am in a chrysalis. Let the Zoladex start to do it's thing, and roll with the punches. I am self employed and taking time to slow down can be really really difficult, but if I don't recharge myself there will be no business anyway. If I don't look after myself how can I look after my family? I find it really hard to make things around me slow down, but a good chat today with some dear friends (you know who you are) has helped me to realise that  a bit of balance is allowed.

Being unwell is so hard to deal with on so many levels. If you didn't see the video I made earlier in the week, this explains quite well how it feels.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150409416230399


Do you find it hard to slow down? Do you ever feel useless when you are unwell?

Yours in a bundle of tiredness.

DD
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