this week 23.6.2012

Wowsers, what a week! It was the Mini Diva's 3rd birthday on Friday, and we had the first ever birthday party that their little friends came to. I feel like I have gained a parenting badge of honour, a stripe on the arm for successfully surviving a marquee full of small people; check out my cake attempt too - Mr Tumble eat your heart out! And no, I did that, not them....ahem....

Project endo, raw and my Dream Team!

Well, it has been one helluva week lovely readers and I feel like I need to give you a fly-past update to keep it all logged, blogged and tidy.

So. Last Saturday I felt so ill. So, very ill, and I wrote this post; I honestly felt I had reached the stage where I was not living any more, just existing, after months, YEARS or feeling so so ill, tired, sore, fatigued, dizzy, anxious, everything.

I simply cannot explain to you how my life has shrunk, how being so unwell such a lot of the time  makes your world go from being a dynamic and fun filled place to surviving from one sofa and painkiller fuelled nap to the next. Unless your health has ever been so poor it is really hard to describe the sensation of living in such a chronically pained, exhausted body.

So, I reached rock bottom and decided to try. But try harder. This time LISTEN to the universe when it gives me everything lined up in order to get myself sorted.  I have been high raw this last week, something I spoke about here on the blog over a year ago ( have a look through some of the post on the Project Endo category to see my journey).

Here is what the universe has lined up for me this time to succeed...

This week...#projectendo returns

On Saturday I hit a wall. This post I wrote, from bed in a sore and exhausted state, seemed to hit a chord. It was re-tweeted, featured on Brit Mums, and a few other endo sisters and folks with chronic illnesses said they felt able to be more vocal on their own blogs too after I wrote it.

I just can't go on in a sick body any more. Remember, a while back I was talking about my efforts with eating higher raw food, helping my body as much as I can? Well I am back on track * sorry universe it takes me while sometimes*.

Between the gaps

One of the most difficult elements of living with a chronic illness is the ability to convey to others what life is really like.

I have learned over time that people, in general, can only ever relate my experience to their own frames of reference - be it pain, tiredness, fatigue, depression, anxiety -  which is no bad thing, it's just how we operate. It's also one of the reasons I am so oversharing vocal on this blog about the reality of chronic illness. It lifts that veil of misunderstanding, it makes other people realise they aren't alone. Also, I guess there must some element of blogging it all out being cathartic. I have certainly had the pleasure of connecting with some amazing people as a result of my online overshare, for which I am honoured.

The difficulty of empathy is that to the outside world my life can look full, vibrant, NORMAL. In many ways it is. But the gaps are the unseen bits, the other parts of reality that are hidden, behind closed doors. These ugly sections of reality are saved for my family, my partner and my daughters who take each step with me, my closest friends who are part of my daily life. And you, dear Diva Reader, of course.

Ups, downs and staying wild

This week has been such a rollercoaster  in the life of an endo warrior that I have to share some of it with you, Diva Readers.

Seeing yourself in the mirror of life-long friends is always a grounding experience. This week I had a great day out with one of my oldest buddies Jo. We went to the X Factor for Freya, so had a girly London day out stalking Gary Barlow and catching up over coffees. Brilliant.

The background info however, is slightly less glamorous; I had a terrible night's sleep prior to our trip to town, as my pain was so bad. Little sleep means more pain as I need total rest to have a body that functions without being tense and exhausted, so I knew I was heading up for a week of being slightly broken.

By 3pm on Tuesday I was in tears in the loos at the O2, beaten by pain and exhaustion and needing to go home - Jo said she glanced over as we sat watching auditions, saw my face change and drain of all colour and knew we had to go.